...

I had a panic attack today.

I had no idea what it was like to be scared. No fucking clue until today. I thought I had been scared before, I thought I had known what it was like to be afraid but I didn't. It was honestly the most horrible experience of my life. It wasn't triggered by anything that I've been able to pin point, I'm not feeling any more stress than I usually am about money and school and stuff, but something must have triggered it I guess. It started out like I was just feeling sick, my stomach started to turn and I ran out of the lab to go throw up, but I didn't have to once I got to the hallway. Then all of a sudden this horrible sense of complete dread just washed over me entirely. I felt like everything was going wrong, I felt like I was a bad student, a bad boyfriend, I felt like I wasn't going to be able to pay my bills or get through school, and I felt like everything was just absolutely hopeless. I found myself suddenly afraid of heights and afraid of falling down and afraid of everything that I encountered basically. I was suddenly claustrophobic, and I thought I was having a heart attack.

Emma called me, and I started to feel better, and I talked to her for a while and it made me sort of fall out of it, but I don't think I'm ever going to forget it. I just felt like I was going to fall apart, like I was going to have a break down and lose my mind. It was terrible, and I can still feel it. I want to figure out why this happened because from what I hear, this is the sort of thing that happens to people repeatedly, and it's not something that I would ever want to go through again.

There's probably more details, and I will remember them and post them later, but yeah.