Whats so amazing about really deep thoughts?

So second year is coming up. My classes start on September 9th, with ... I think a full day at Sheridan? I'm not actually positive, I should look into that.

Anyway, it's a sort of a weird feeling, this. Last year at this point I was just about to go into my first year, and I was so sure of what I wanted to do. I knew that I wanted to go off and be a graphic designer, and that I wanted to live in a certain place with certain people, and only go to certain bars and listen to certain music.

A lot of that has changed, most of it for the better, I am sure, and I've changed a lot of things about myself (including a vast number of things that I thought I had already changed) but what is bothering me is that nowadays I find myself wondering if I am in the right program at all anymore. So much has changed about me fundamentally, that I begin to wonder if maybe I'm not doing the right thing anymore.

Here's the problem. I still love certain things about it, I love colour and I love the idea of the whole signifier/signified relationship, of the study of semiotics and I most definitely still love art in general. The problem is that the philosophy behind design specifically is beginning to bother me. I don't like the idea that all people are wired a certain way and that they will all react accordingly to a symbol or object, and that they will all draw the same meaning from it. Of course, none of this is true in absolution, but it's all theorized in design and it bolsters design philosophy a great deal. I just don't see myself 20 years from now sitting behind an iMac, wearing a dress shirt and jeans, with an illustrator file open adjusting kerning. I used to, and now that image is becoming blurry to me.

That's not what terrifies me. What terrifies me is that I can't see a different image. I thought that when this image disappeared it would be replaced by another, by some other goal in life I can set, but it doesn't look like anything now, like my mind is suddenly not made up.

I don't want to turn into my parents, with no idea what they're doing, no more dreams or hope or love or goals. That's the only thing I know for sure at this point. Maybe I need to stick through it, maybe that image will come back, but I just don't know, I can't compete with these people and their parents bank accounts, or their $300 jeans or their demeanor. I can't be one of those people and now I'm beginning to see that.