your disguise is ... slipping

Do you ever get the feeling that you're being lied to?

Do you ever have that feeling that the sheet is being pulled so tightly over your eyes that you can almost see through it?

It's a terrible feeling, I can assure you of this, but what's worse is knowing that there's no way to verify it, no way to know whether what you are seeing and hearing is real, or if it's being put on by somebody. The reason that you can't know, is because you'll hurt too many people in the process, you can't ask if they're telling you the truth because they'll think that you don't trust them and that you are trying to catch them in a lie. When that's not your intention at all, all you want to do is know for sure, you're prepared to handle the consequences, but you just can't seem to fuck it up. You've laid a sheet down, but you can't bring yourself to break the glass; whether you can handle the clean-up or not is irrelevant.

What's even worse than this, is that somehow, someway, you know that deep down you aren't being lied to, that it's all in your head, and that you can't let one little instance of broken trust get between you and the other person forever, because you'll never trust them again if you do, at least not fully.

It's the sneaking, the hiding, and the lying. You know that it's all in good intention, you know that they just don't want you to be worried, or to be jealous or paranoid, but somehow, that's almost worse, it's almost like they know you're going to be hurt by what you're doing, but they don't feel that you're strong enough to just take it, and in doing that, how will they even know if you are strong enough.

But then, maybe you're just paranoid, just a little antsy because there's a lot going on, a lot is going to change and you don't quite know how either of you will handle it, and you just wish that they would come right out and tell you that you can trust them, that you're being stupid, and that they aren't lying. You just wish they would stop hiding, stop sneaking, stop lying because it only fuels your suspicion and your aprehension to the point that you don't know who you can trust.

Maybe you should just ... be. Live for yourself, live without worry without care and without any of the ugly things that jealousy and fear bring on, forget the past and live forward. But then, what are the good things without the bad to hold them up to?

And you'd still do anything to see them smile.