Long

It's so sick.

This feeling you get, right below your stomach. You're sitting there next to her, or you're sitting there on the phone with her, or on her bed with her, or on the bus with her, anywhere, as long as it's with her. You're with her, and you can see all of the things you want to do, you can visualize so perfectly in your head just reaching down and grabbing her hand, never breaking conversation. It would be so easy, when you're sitting there face to face with her to just kiss her, to just reach out and try. It would be so easy lying there next to her to just move your hand onto her leg, or through her hair. But you won't. You can't, for some reason. What are you afraid of? Being rejected? No, you've known rejection, you can handle it, you've handled it before, laughed it off, it was fine. It's not that.

So what is it? Why can't you just touch her, or at the very least tell her? Say something for god's sake. You'll open your mouth, and more nonsense will come out. It won't be what you wanted to say, but it's what you're talking about now. Stupid, stupid.

So everytime you see her, you'll build yourself up, and up, and up, tell yourself 'this is the time, I'll do something this time', and then you'll chicken out, again. And you still don't know why. You still don't know why you can't, and the feeling just below your stomach comes back, and nothing. You're running out of summer.

Maybe you're still scared from last time? You shouldn't be, but maybe you are.